what the hell is going on?

Holy Shite, I just realized it’s been like three weeks since I last posted. Sorry, folks, park was closed, but now I guess I am open for business again! When I last left you, I was getting ready to go down to the Hub for the 60th Anniversary party, and good gravy, was that a party. That party was so party it just about kicked MY ass, and I know how to party. We ended up leaving before we suffocated and headed out to Strange Pete – over to Jen Rae’s house, because god, I needed a swim and some TLC. I was sweating like a hooker on nickel night and smelling like a diaper full of shrimp. No, really. It was a pleasant end to a crazy ass day. The next night (Labor Day), S. and I celebrated our anniversary (4 years, bitchez!!) with a romantic dinner and some “dancing” (if you know what I mean, hehehehehe). Awesome!


So, since then, I have been WORKING MY LITTLE ASS OFF. We’re in rehearsal for Night of the Living Dead (opening Oct 21 @ TBPAC) right now – zombie boot camp is going really well, I am so glad for it, but I just wish we were rehearsing more. It’s going to be a great show and I hope everyone comes out to see it because we are going to kick so much ass. I also had some houseguests last weekend – my old pals Dickie and Erin, who are currently residing in the gorgeous state of Vermont. Dickie was down to help with the sound design of the Gorilla Theater’s Halloween show, The Woman in Black, opening Oct 15, directed by Ami Corley. I hope I’ll be able to see it, it looks scary as fuck. So anyway, while my friends were here I wasn’t really lurking about on the computer, I was too busy cooking food, drinking Bloody Marys, swimming, talking smack and having a swell time. I also cleaned my house and painted my bathroom cabinets, aren’t you proud of me? I’m afraid my play-in-writing suffered a little bit too in the run-up to their arrival – my head was so full of cleaning, stocking up and planning activities that I kinda lost my inspirado, and I need to find my way back to it again. I need to submit the first few scenes and a synopsis soon to Jobsite, and I have a staged reading already scheduled for January. Yikes! I last left my characters in something of a cliff-hanger, I need to go rescue those crazy bastards or all hell will break loose. I also let a couple of friends read the first few scenes, to get some friendly feedback on the characters and situation, and I’m glad to say it is all positive so far. I also ran into a new acquaintance at the Hub (a writing professor at UT), with whom I had a lovely conversation about writing, and I really got some great ideas (and some needed compliments about Suck You Bye, my last short play). So. That’s that part of it.


Now, on to business – what to do this weekend? Well, as usual, mine is chock full of obligations and work (and an audition, fun!), but I’m hoping to get some quality party time in there as well. You may be saying, “but fuck, I am broke, and I don’t know what to do!” Or, “Fuck, I am broke, but I’m trying to get into this dude/chick’s pants and I don’t know how to impress someone without spending a ton of ducats!” I am also broke! And I am here to help! Here’s some cheap/ free activities going on this weekend that will entertain and delight you and make you look cultured, desirable, and fuckable.

Jobsite Theater’s And Baby Makes Seven – now through Oct 11 @ TBPAC’s Shimberg Playhouse, Thurs - Sat @ 8 pm, Sunday at 4 pm. I know, you may be saying, “But going to the theater is expensive! Wahhhh!” Well, no, it’s really not. Do you Twitter? Follow @jobsitetheater on Twitter and pick up all sorts of super secret codes to get really cheap tickets! And seriously, taking a date to the theater makes you look all kinds of cultured and shit. This play is a really cute comedy as well, and has some hot lesbian action from what I understand. Who doesn’t like THAT! Totes date night!


There’s a free street festival this weekend in downtown St Pete – FolkFest. All day Saturday and Sunday, free admission, food/ drink/ arty shit for sale booths & bands all day both days – walk around, look at some crazy people and folk art, shake your ass a little, then pop into the Emerald, enjoy a cheap ass cocktail and tell Chrissie I said hello. Located in downtown St Pete, on Central Ave between 11th and 13th Streets. Plus, all museums are free in downtown St Pete on Saturday – so enjoy the street fest, get some cheap drinks, and go hot-snog your date in the beautiful and chillingly air conditioned St Pete Fine Arts Museum. That’s classy!


Live After Dark, Saturday night, Sept 26 @ Ybor Art Studio (2702 Seventh Ave), an opening party for SLAM Magazine (Support Local Arts and Music – yeah, bitches). Only a donation requested at the door (which means FREE if you don’t mind looking like a bit of a dick, or just give them a couple of bucks, sheesh). There’ll be more than 50 artist installations, body painting and henna tattoos, live art and music, a short-film fest, free libations and more!! Wait – FREE LIBATIONS? That means free drinks, you hosers, get down there!


Dilettante - Angela Dickerson presents this exhibit of works with a goal of "translating organic forms through diverse mediums," including industrial jewelry, printmaking, assemblage, sculpture and painting. An opening reception with hors d'oeuvres and live music is held from 5 to 7 p.m. on Fri., Sept. 25. Gallery 501, Tampa. Free food, y’all!! Wooooo!


Now, this crap ain’t free, but it’s all shows I’d like to attend (not this weekend, but coming soon): DC's Thievery Corporation -- made up of DJ duo Rob Garza, Eric Hilton and their diverse ensemble of performers -- produces a lounge-lush fusion of electronica, reggae, acid jazz, psychedelia and the world flavors of India and Brazil. (Sat., Oct. 10, The Ritz Ybor). Tiësto is a famed Dutch DJ and progressive trance producer (Sun., Oct. 18, The Ritz Ybor). Canadian twosome Junior Boys make sexy electro-pop and are pretty hip in the indie scene right now (Fri., Oct. 23, Crowbar, Ybor City). Deadmau5 (pronounced "Dead Mouse") plays progressive and electro house, and is known for wearing a huge grotesquely grinning cartoon mouse head when he performs. (Sun., Nov. 15, The Ritz Ybor). And Paul Van Dyk is only the world's leading electronic music DJ and producer (Fri., Nov. 27, The Ritz Ybor). I guess I need to make friends with someone at the Ritz, in a quickness. Shaun also says Skinny Puppy will be playing soon, so we’ll probably be going to that, especially if Jannus Landing would ever give us our fucking money back for the cancelled Morrissey show, goddamnit. And my friend J. Evans says that Hyde Park Café has some most excellent dj’s and whatnot now on Saturday nights – HPC is actually one of the most affordable bars in that neighborhood, and there’s always a TON of single people there if you are looking for a hot date.


None of this stuff sounds good? Well, there’s always cards. I played some killer Spades this past weekend, and it reminded me of how much fun I used to have, sitting around at someone’s house, drinking and playing cards and talking shit. Just grab a deck and an inexpensive sixer ($8.99 12 packs of PBR, on sale at a store near you!) or bottle of wine, and head over to a friend’s house for a really cheap good time. And hell, if they play poker, you may just end up coming out ahead. Especially if they suck at cards.


Also, check out my friends Greg & Michelle’s website - http://www.culinarysherpas.com – there’s TONS of excellent recipes for the stay-at-home-and-try-to-get-some-booty dates. That’s really cheap and totally has my seal of approval. One of my favorite things is to get a bottle of cheap wine and some fruit and make homemade sangria, cook up a bunch of yummy vittles, turn the air down to 72 degrees, and get some serious snuggle/ couch/ make out time under a cozy blanket. Now, THAT sounds fun!


Alright, kids, I’ve given you a lot to work with here. I fully expect everyone to have an awesome weekend without spending a lot of d’oh! Let me know how it goes…. :)

Getting ready to head over to the Hub for the 60th Anniversary Party, I can't help but think of the last time I worked at a Hub party (the 50th - back in '99) and my 15 year history with this little smelly yet darling slice of the Big Dirty....

So, in July of 99, I was working for a cigarette company (yes, I was a merchant of death, but all of those free cigarettes came in pretty damn handy when I was broke, let me tell you), and said cigarette company was a sponsor of the Hub's anniversary party. I was going through some really rough personal shite (involving some dumb ass dude who cheated on me and a bed that almost got set on fire and pushed into a pool, and maybe some lesbians too), I had just finished Jobsite's Spring Awakening, and I think we were in rehearsal for Y2K. It was a Saturday afternoon around 2, it was hot as balls, and my '84 Honda Accord still smelled like dogshit from when my stripper friend's Chihuahua had pooped in it a few months ago. I'm pretty sure I was still mildly hungover from the night before. When I get there, the place was already a clusterfuck - Joe Popp was trying to set his gear up on top of the bar, climbing over liquor bottles, the drunks were already 3 deep at the bar, and the air was on the fritz in this building that had stood for over 50 years. I was asked to drag a barstool to the Zack side door and start carding people and not letting them in if need be. The fire marshal was there and was bitching up a storm because it was already almost to capacity and the party hadn't even started yet. By 3:30, there was a line snaking down Zack Street and I was sitting on a ratty black pleather bar stool, in the blazing Tampa-n-July sun, on my second Long Island and having the time of my life. The fire marshal tells me I can't let anyone else in, we're over capacity. So these shitloads of high spirited alcoholics who are hot, thirsty, and ready to party are eyeballing me like a fat kid looking at a box of Little Debbies. By 6 pm, I was on my 4th Long Island and a girlfriend of mine had come up with a way to distract the fire marshal (use your imagination) so we could sneak additional people in the side door. I had about $60 in my pocket from bribes of desperate people ready to get in and start drinking heavily. By midnight, still hot as balls, still a huge fucking line of howling, gibbering maniacs, I had been sitting in the heat drinking Long Islands for ten hours. Eventually one of the bartenders (I think it was Brian) who had come out to bring me my hourly Long Island took mercy on me, scraped me off my barstool prison, and helped me inside. The drunks waiting in line went apeshit and starting storming the door, but I think someone was balling the fire marshal in the alley by that time because we never heard a peep out him. I have vague memories of someone telling me it was 4 in the morning, and I remember saying how that couldn't possibly be true, I couldn't possibly have been at the Hub for 14 hours, drinking, dancing, cavorting, my ass having been stuck to a ratty ass black vinyl barstool for several hours, my legs fell asleep... maybe I was asleep. Someone gave my stupid ass a ride home that night, and I remember waking up the next day craving a cheeseburger and thinking it was all a dream.

When I was 19, I remember being over at someone's house, and my friend Rebecca comes over and says she has discovered "this new bar," this crazy ass dive joint that we simply HAD to check out. Rebecca was a little bit older than me, but I don't think 21 yet. I asked her about the place - "downtown," she said. She said it smelled funny in there, looked a little dodgy, but there were a lot of boys and the drinks were really cheap. "well, let's fucking go!" So we climbed in my friend's VW Bug, with a couple of other random weirdos and hippies that were lurking about, and off we went. I don't recall who was working that night, but they did not card me - I was just starting my bartending career at the time, slinging drinks at a place called Big Al's Liquor Lounge, so I'm sure I thought I was a total bad ass. I don't remember what I ordered, but whatever it was, it was probably the most sweet illicit candy drink that I had ever had. Shortly after my 21st birthday, after a night of drinking somewheres else, the Trolley Stop, maybe?, we popped into the Hub for last call, and I remember telling Scooter, "Yay!! I'm 21 now!!!" Scooter just looked at me like I had told him I had maggots in my panties, and then he banned me for a month for drinking underage in his bar. I was very contrite. But happy as a pig in shit a month later!! 

I've popped in many, many times since then - once after taking a sick friend home after a rehearsal, I pulled up to the curb on Florida for a shot of whiskey and to study my lines, and ran into someone I hadn't seen in years... and ended up having  very strange evening discussing movies, exes, and paths not taken. I used to study for my theater history exams in the Hub - I got an A in the class. I spent one memorable afternoon in there getting my palm read and my fortune told, accompanied by someone who should have known better. I once wrote a story for the Weekly Planet, about a time I saw someone given a gift of fish in the Hub - she didn't appreciate it, so she sent this parcel of fish sailing over the heads of the resident boozers, landing it in the corner behind an ice chest, where it probably still sits rotting to this day.

The Hub supports local theater - Scooter gave me the budget for the very first show I directed at TBPAC. Jobsite, local bands, local artists - we all owe the Hub our affection and loyalty. I am now a proud employee there, in a couple of different capacities - and bartending at the Hub definitely gives my comedy routine an edge. The place is the inspiration for the setting of my new play - if only the Hub also had a massage parlor next door... Sure, the place smells a little funny. It might be a little hot in there. It's smoky and bums might try to leech a dollar or a cigarette off you. But it's just like a tiny slice of Tampa - the Big Dirty - weird, humid, home to a host of bizarro characters, and uniquely ours.