Don't let the Door Hit Ya Where the Good Lord Split Ya, 2009

Holy crap, I can’t believe I’ve not posted anything since October. I really suck! Well, my only excuse is that my life has been BUSIER THAN THAT ONE ARMED GUY TRYING TO HANG WALLPAPER AND SCRATCH HIS ASS AT THE SAME TIME. Woo! That’s busy! Let me catch y’all up. Over the past two months, I have worked three jobs, all the while:

So just about a week after my last posting, we closed on our new house (Oct 30th was the day). It’s gorgeous, and I’m not just saying that because I’ll be living there for the next decade. The very next day I went over with toilet paper, paper towels, and cleaning supplies; cleaned the hell out of the bathrooms and kitchen, and then went swimming in my new pool!! That was nice, but it was already fucking freezing. Don’t worry, I still enjoyed it. I have a feeling that will be a cold pool year round. Oh well. We moved in on Nov 14th, after more cleaning, painting, new carpet, etc etc. We had our first houseguests after my show, on the very same night – my pals Davey and Rhapsody and Matt and a few others. We also went swimming that night, and it was cold enough to cause genital damage. I don’t think permanently, though.


Night of the Living Dead closed Nov 15th, and it was a success! I don’t miss the blood or zombie makeup, but it was an awesome experience, and I love my cast and crew mates very much. I miss them! I don’t know when the next show I will be involved with will be, so I guess we’ll just play it by ear. Something always comes up, like a bad penny. And of course, I am still working on my own full-length play, Chapel Perilous, which is hilarious but maybe too dirty for prime time. I guess jokes about incest, puke fetishists, and guys sucking their own dicks might be offensive to some people. Who knew?


It was then time to hit the road for Thanksgiving. We always go up to Kentucky for that holiday to visit S.’s fam – I haven’t been burnt at the stake yet! I’m huge in Kentucky! It was very nice this year, not as crowded as years past. It was pretty cold, but we had lots of booze and the fire pit to keep us warm. The food was exceptionally good this year, especially the oysters and the BBQ. Thanks to S.’s cousin Nicholas for having dodgy friends who own a bar and have the hook up on really fat huge ass oysters. Also, I think on Thanksgiving morning, I poured approximately 30 Bloody Marys – everyone was hung over from the raging night-before-Thanksgiving drunk. It was like we were all in college again. The trip coming home sucked major ass, there was a bunch of dildos on the road driving slower than a sloth jerking off, but we made it eventually (in like, 16 hours).


Directly after that, we partied like rock stars at the annual Jobsite fundraiser on Dec. 5th. It was a big success this year, considering most people are broke as a joke – we still managed to both raise some decent fundage and have a kick ass time all around. I was working my ass off most of the night, but I did see just about everyone I knew and had a really, really good time. More fundraiser/ kick ass parties to come – Steal-A-Snuggie Pub Crawl & Scavenger Hunt, anyone?


About two weeks later, it was birthday (woot Sagittarius!). I went to Epcot and drank around the world with two friends, and then came home, cleaned my house, and had some people over. It was really one of the best birthdays of my adult life – a stress-free day with lots of friends, food, booze, and hilarity. I am trying not to concentrate on the fact that I’m getting older (and a little fatter), and crotchety; but instead think about all of the ways I have improved over the years, gotten my shit together, and continue to amaze myself and the various people I give a shit about.


Christmas was also low-key and happy – we went over to my mother’s new house in Del Ray Beach, and met up with my mom, stepdad, and lovely aunts. With our two house moves, the trip to Mom’s went from a 4 hour and 15 minute drive to 3 hours and a half or so; that is an improvement, if a small one. My mom’s dog is the cutest, most fuzziest thing ever – but he was abused terribly as a puppy, so he is very skittish and shy. We gave him a metric shit-ton of treats, but he still liked to hide from us. It was too chilly, and my stepdad’s knee is still too borked (he had knee replacement surgery recently) so we did not get to go on our annual boat ride up and down the coast to look at rich people’s houses, but that’s OK. We did get to eat an obscene amount of seafood – clams, shrimp, fresh grouper, and lobster; plus roasted taters, sausage pasta, various chips and crackers and dips., And of course, that bitchin’ blueberry pie my aunt brings from some whacky Jewish deli in Ft. Lauderdale, that always comes with a funny story of the weirdness she had to go through to get it. We usually rack up on the gifts as well, but with financial times being as they are this year, we all decided to only get a few things for each other instead of the orgy of gift-giving we usually do. I did get a shirt, some shoes, a bag, some stuff for the house, some knick-knacks and a couple of gift cards. Still a score, as far as I’m concerned!


And now we get to that kinda shitty week between Xmas and New Year’s, where everyone feels a little fat and cranky. We’re bombarded with “best of” and “worst of” lists. Everyone makes stupid resolutions. It’s even worse this year because I guess we’re at the end of the (also rather shitty) decade and whatnot. Therefore, that’s going to be my next post – bitching about the past and making snarky predictions for the future. We’ll also talk about various options for your weekend. I promise never to leave you again for as long as I have, my darlings – I may be a harsh mistress, but never a fickle one.