so as I was saying...

Hey, kids! Well, as promised, here are a few things to do this weekend that cost little or no money. Some of the arty-er things are good for people going on dates - you know you want to look cultured and suave, bitchez! Most events can be enhanced by the purchase and subtle concealment of a flask of your favorite adult beverage (if you don't have one, ask around - a lot of people have several, left over groomsmens and bridesmaids gifts and such); but please don't get shitfaced and drive. If you do get shitfaced, find a nice broke friend who's willing to stay sober and drive your drunk ass around if you pay his way into places.


Jobsite Theater's Pericles - Shimberg Playhouse, Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center, thru Sunday. Rush tickets are available - student & military discounts. If you can offer to help dismantle the set on Sunday after the show, you may qualify for FREE tickets. I'm not just pimping this show because I'm a member of Jobsite and a bunch of my friends are busting their asses on it - nope, I'm pimping it because it's a DAMN FINE show. I might have to go see it again, it was so good. S. said it was the best Jobsite show ever, up to and including the ones I wrote/ acted in! So that's some good shit! Go see it! For more info, visit http://www.jobsitetheater.org/pericles.asp.


Showing after Pericles, enjoy LOL: An Evening with Arnie Ellis; Aug. 21-22, 11 p.m. Fri.-Sat., Shimberg Playhouse, Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center, Tampa, $5, free for Jobsite members. $5!?!?!?! You gotta be shitting me!! A world-class comedy show for only $5? That's so cheap it's practically free! Again, flask would be very useful here.


Opening tonight is a movie I really want to see - Quentin Tarantino's new WWII Nazi killing fun fest, Inglorious Basterds. It's probably playing at a gazillion theaters and I can't be assed to go look up the schedule, but y'all are big kids, I'm sure you can figure it out. "But, Christen, " you might be thinking, "going to a movie is expensive! We can't afford that!" BUT WAIT! Yes, going to a movie IS expensive, once you factor in the drinks and candy and popcorn, etc etc. That's why you need to spend a few minutes in planning, and you too can enjoy a night out at the movies. Here's the basic idea - dudes, offer to buy the ticket for your ladydates & in exchange, ladydates carry big assed purses full of bottled soda, whiskey, disposable cups, a ziplock bag full of ice, funyons and snickers bars. Or a 12 pack of beer. Or Absinthe. Or really, whatever. See, unless you are a complete dipshit, movie theaters don't search girl's purses. Fill up a stylish hobo bag (available @ Target for like $10 if you don't have a suitably big assed purse) with cheap liquor and potato chips, and you've got a hot night ahead of you!


Art openings & shows are an old favorite of mine - typically free and usually offering free wine, beer, snack foods or whatever. I looked for you and the only one I can see for this weekend is Flair - Largo's artists unite to debut new works in a variety of mediums -- including painting, photography and sculpture, along with live music and poetry readings. Visit largoevents.com for more info. Sat., Aug. 22, 6-9 p.m., Ulmer Park, Largo, free. But don't worry - I'll post art openings like crazy on here as soon as I hear about them


Free food at the Dali Museum!!! S'REAL Fridays - An arty twist to the beginning of the weekend, these events include a variety of jazz in the cafe, screenings of unusual silent films, complimentary hors d'oeuvres and, of course, access to the country's largest collection of Salvador Dalí works. Every Friday through Aug. 28 from 5:30 to 8:30 p.m. Salvador Dalí Museum, St. Petersburg, $8.50, salvadordalimuseum.org. This one will make you look particularly classy to your dates.


Pay What You Can Admission (i.e., hardly anything) at American Stage in St. Pete: Die, Mommie, Die (by Charles Busch - I love him!) The Suncoast AIDS Theatre Project presents another installment in the The Summer Nights of Alternative Theater Series, which benefits the Metropolitan Charities, providing services to locals living with HIV and AIDS. The show is a campy, comedic melodrama that borrows from 1960s thriller flicks. It follows Angela, who poisons her husband via suppository. Angela's vengeful daughter convinces her brother to kill their mother. When Angela drinks the LSD-laced coffee he gives her, all of her dark secrets come tumbling out. Visit americanstage.org for more info. Aug. 24, Mon., 7:30 p.m., American Stage, St. Petersburg, all shows are "pay what you can admission." AND, Circumference of a Squirrel, part of American Stage's After Hours Series, this dark comedy spins circles of meaning orbiting a one-man performance about Chester, a tortured, obsessive young man preoccupied with everything but the task at hand. A self-diagnosed “rodentophobe,” he frets ceaselessly about his parents, his ex-wife, and the constant threat of rabies. Chester shares details about his father’s irrational fear of squirrels and disease, a childhood burden that in turn infected Chester’s own life. Thru Aug. 22, 10 p.m. Fri.-Sat., American Stage, St. Petersburg, all performances are "pay what you can" admission, visit americanstage.org for more info.


And of course, there's karaoke! Annoy friends and strangers alike with your moving rendition of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" while downing Buds & Jager-bombs. You know you want to. I recommend Pete's Place, 4145 Henderson Blvd in South Tampa. It's CHEAP to drink there, one of the cheapest bars in Tampa, actually; and the crowd is not too dodgy, they're pretty kind at karaoke, there's a pool table and parking is free.


And if you've just GOT to go to Ybor, stop into the smallest little bar with the biggest attitude, Fuma Bella! No cover, one of the cheapest bars in Ybor, and the bartender is a fucking genius. Try the Mexican Trailer Park shot. Say hi to Charlie for me!!


"Well, thanks, Christen, for sharing with us all of these cultural nuggets. But what should we do during the day??", you might ask. Well, this is Florida, so the obvious option would be going to the beach. However, that's kinda far, there's sand, yadda yadda yadda. I recommend finding a friend with a pool, either at their house or apartment complex. Lots of pretty nice apartment complexes do not have gates and no one particularly checking out the pool area for interlopers. My friends who know about such things suggest visting them at Cove (4001 S West Shore Blvd), conveniently located right next to a Circle K and the Green Iguana Westshore. Apparently, there's a wild ass party with plenty of foxy chicks and dudes every weekend day, and you're pretty welcome if you show up with a cooler full of beer, and it doesn't even have to be expensive beer, either.
Or you can always stock up on wine and frozen taquitos, grab your significant other, and snuggle together on the couch in a darkened living room, while ragging on all of the hosts on HGTV and the Food Network. I'm kinda partial to that one, too....